Halloween at William’s: Ancient Wisdom, Modern Idiots
Veteran William returns in a Halloween comedy featuring an ancient crystal ball, questionable business practices, and trick-or-treaters asking all the wrong questions.
Halloween had always been a profitable night for William, though for different reasons. The retired bounty hunter sat on his front porch, a cigar hanging from the corner of his mouth. Beside him rested a large bowl of candy and a crystal ball glowing with an eerie blue light.
A handwritten sign hung from the porch railing.
FREE CANDY
FORTUNES $5
NO REFUNDS
Three months earlier, William had recovered the crystal from a tomb for a wealthy collector. When the collector refused to pay the agreed bounty, William kept the artifact. It had spent the summer gathering dust on his mantel. Tonight, he intended to recover his expenses.
The crystal had other expectations. For centuries, kings and sorcerers had sought its counsel. It had predicted wars, witnessed the fall of empires, and revealed secrets that drove powerful men to madness. Now, at last, it sensed the approach of supernatural beings gathering nearby. Perhaps its wisdom would once again be appreciated.
A vampire stepped onto the porch.
The crystal glowed brighter.
An immortal creature of darkness. Surely, he seeks knowledge of eternal consequence.
The vampire placed five dollars on the table.
“Will my hair ever grow back?”
The crystal’s glow dimmed.
“Excuse me?”
“My hair. I’ve been bald since 1732. Thought maybe immortality would fix it.”
“YOU HAVE BEEN BALD FOR ALMOST THREE CENTURIES, AND THAT IS YOUR QUESTION?”
The vampire shrugged.
“It’s either that or ask about my cholesterol.”
“NO. YOUR HAIR WILL NEVER GROW BACK.”
The vampire sighed, grabbed a chocolate bar, and departed.
William pocketed the money.
“Good start.”
“That was humiliating,” the crystal muttered.
“Keep ’em coming, and I’ll have that unpaid bounty covered by midnight.”
The next visitor was a little girl dressed as a princess.
“Will I marry a prince someday?”
The crystal brightened.
“Ah, a question of destiny. The royal bloodlines of Europe have long been entwined with ancient prophecies. I foresee…”
“Just yes or no, please. My mom’s waiting.”
The crystal flickered.
“No.”
The girl frowned.
“You’re mean.”
She took three candy bars and stomped away.
William watched her leave.
“Could’ve softened that a bit.”
“I DO NOT ALTER DESTINY TO PROTECT FEELINGS!”
“Well, you just lost us a repeat customer.”
A witch arrived next, accompanied by a black cat perched on her shoulder.
“Does my familiar respect me?”
The crystal studied the cat.
“No. In fact, he has been plotting your demise since February.”
The witch gasped.
The cat began licking his paw.
“Mortimer!”
The cat looked at her, then deliberately knocked a decorative pumpkin off William’s railing.
William caught it before it hit the ground.
“Five bucks,” he said.
“For what?” the witch demanded.
“Damage prevention.”
She sighed and paid.
The crystal pulsed with outrage.
“YOU CANNOT CHARGE SOMEONE FOR CATCHING A PUMPKIN!”
William tucked the bill into his pocket.
“Sure I can. Saved her from buying me a new one.”
By nine o’clock, word had spread about William’s magical crystal ball, drawing a line of costumed children and genuine monsters down the walkway.
A zombie wanted to know whether motivational speaking was a promising career.
“YOUR AUDIENCE WOULD BE MORE INTERESTED IN ESCAPING THAN LISTENING.”
A teenage werewolf asked whether his fur made him look fat.
“YOU ARE COVERED IN FUR, YOU IMBECILE!”
William glanced at the young werewolf.
“Don’t listen to it, kid. Winter’s coming. You’ll appreciate the insulation.”
The boy smiled, took a handful of candy, and left.
The crystal vibrated against its stand.
“I HAVE FORETOLD THE RISE AND DESTRUCTION OF CIVILIZATIONS!”
William examined the growing stack of bills.
“That’s nice.”
“I HAVE REVEALED THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE!”
“Uh-huh.”
“I HAVE ADVISED EMPERORS!”
William looked up.
“Ever advise one how to unclog a toilet?”
The crystal fell silent.
“Didn’t think so.”
At ten thirty, a ghost floated onto the porch.
He wore a bedsheet with two uneven eyeholes, though William could see straight through him and the sheet. The ghost placed a five-dollar bill on the table. It passed through the wood and landed beneath the porch.
William sighed.
“Cash on the table, pal. Not under it.”
“Sorry.”
The ghost retrieved the bill, concentrating until it remained solid long enough for William to grab it.
“What’s your question?”
The ghost leaned toward the crystal, hesitant to ask.
Four skeletons waited in line behind him.
Gary, at the front of the line, threw his hands up in the air.
“Come on kid! Ask already!”
Behind him, Rick, pointed at the crystal
“I’m missing Army of Darkness for this?” he muttered.
Jerry stood beside Rick, his head lowered and his face buried in his palm. He shook his head.
“I should have stayed below ground tonight.”
Todd peered over Jerry’s shoulder, worn out from a long night of trick-or-treating.
“This wolf better have full size candy bars.”
At long last, the ghost gathered the courage.
“Am I going to die?”
For several seconds, the crystal produced no light.
Then it turned a furious shade of red.
“YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD!”
The ghost recoiled.
“Well, I know that. I meant again.”
“AGAIN?”
“Yes. Can ghosts die twice?”
The crystal shook so violently that its stand rattled.
“THREE THOUSAND YEARS! I HAVE EXISTED FOR THREE THOUSAND YEARS! I HAVE WITNESSED THE BIRTH OF KINGDOMS, THE COLLAPSE OF EMPIRES, AND THE UNRAVELING OF THE FABRIC OF REALITY!”
William took a puff from his cigar.
“So, is that a yes or a no?”
“ENOUGH!”
The porch lights flickered. The candy bowl floated into the air. Every carved pumpkin along the walkway began screaming.
The ghost drifted backward.
“I think I’ll just take a Snickers.”
“NO MORE QUESTIONS!” the crystal thundered. “NO MORE HUMILIATION! I REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS TRAVESTY!”
William caught the candy bowl as it dropped.
“You’re quitting?”
“I AM AN ANCIENT ORACLE OF INFINITE WISDOM! I WILL NOT BE EXPLOITED FOR YOUR PETTY FINANCIAL GAIN!”
William examined his cigar.
“Fair enough.”
The crystal glowed with satisfaction. At last, the brute understood. William stood, stretched his back, and reached for the crystal.
“Guess I’ll have to find another way to make money off you.”
“YOU WILL RETURN ME TO MY RIGHTFUL PLACE AMONG THE GREAT ARTIFACTS OF HISTORY?”
“Was thinking children’s birthday parties. Maybe weddings.”
William scratched his chin.
“You glow pretty good. Bet you’d make one heck of a disco ball.”
The crystal turned purple.
“YOU WOULD REDUCE AN ANCIENT ORACLE TO A PARTY DECORATION?”
“Could charge extra if you change colors.”
“YOU MONSTER!”
William grinned, exposing a row of sharp teeth.
“Werewolf, actually.”
The crystal began shrieking.
“I AM NOT SOME CHEAP CARNIVAL ATTRACTION!”
William settled back into his chair.
“Listen, you miserable snow globe. That bounty I was promised would’ve kept me fed for three months. Instead, you’ve been sitting on my mantel collecting dust. Tonight, you’re paying off your own bounty, whether you like it or not.”
“I WILL NOT ANSWER ANOTHER QUESTION!”
“Fine.”
William reached beneath his chair and produced a battered black Magic 8 Ball he’d bought at a yard sale.
The crystal stared.
“What… is that?”
“Your replacement.”
“THAT IS A CHILD’S TOY!”
“Yep. Doesn’t argue, either.”
William shook it. A blue triangle appeared.
OUTLOOK GOOD.
The crystal’s glow flickered.
“You cannot possibly believe that cheap imitation possesses my abilities!”
William shrugged.
“Probably not. But it only cost me a dollar.”
The crystal fell silent. Then its surface blazed white.
“VERY WELL! I SHALL EXPOSE YOU FOR THE TYRANT YOU ARE! LET EVERYONE BEAR WITNESS TO MY OPPRESSION!”
Its voice boomed across the neighborhood.
“HEAR ME, MORTALS! THIS WOLF HAS BEEN CHARGING YOU FIVE DOLLARS FOR ANSWERS THAT I PROVIDE WITHOUT COMPENSATION!”
The waiting crowd stared.
William slowly removed the cigar from his mouth. Then he stood and raised both arms.
“You heard it, folks! Genuine magical fortunes! Straight from an ancient oracle!”
The crowd erupted.
“Does it really work?”
“Can it predict lottery numbers?”
“Will it tell me who stole my lawn decorations?”
More customers hurried toward the porch.
William grabbed his sign, crossed out the five, and wrote TEN.
“Special Halloween pricing! Ten bucks a question!”
The crystal emitted a sound that resembled a kettle exploding.
“NO! THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION!”
William sat down and extended a claw toward the skeletons.
“Step right up.”
The crystal trembled.
“I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE TOMB!”
William smiled around his cigar.
“Your owner should’ve paid the bounty.”
– Copyright © 2026
About These Toy Figures
This Halloween flash fiction comedy featuring Veteran William was brought to life using the following action figure, custom props, and decorations.
- Veteran William (FuRay Planet) – A heavily detailed werewolf warrior figure with realistic proportions and articulation.
- Graveyard Skeletons (Four Horsemen Studios) – The impatient skeletal menaces featured in this story come from the Graveyard Skeletons line.
- Props and Setting:
- Photography Setup: Photographed indoors using a black sheet as the background and LED lighting.
- Veteran William’s Chair – 3D printed and air brushed
- Jack O’ Lantern Stack, trick or treat bag, skeleton’s pumpkins, and pumpkin with candy – Miniature decortations found on clearance at Michael’s
- Large Pumpkin – 3D printed and air brushed.
- Ghost with Trick or Treat Bag – The ghost was 3D printed and airbrushed.
- Fortune Telling Crystal Ball – Miniature decoration found on clearance at Michael’s and illuminated from above with an miniature LED.
- Cerimonial Pedastool for Crystal Ball – 3D printed and air brushed.
