Beef Jerky Diplomacy: A Tactical Disaster in Three Roars

by Ophidian Khan · Published July 22, 2025 · Updated August 25, 2025

Memoirs of Varnakk, Elite Serpent Guard (Unpaid Intern to Madness)

Kobra Khan, Varnakk, and a roaring T-Rex running forward through rocky terrain in comic book style.

Welcome to the Savage Wastes of Eternia, where MOTU T-Rex vs Snake Men battles turn diplomacy deadly and teriyaki jerky into a tactical miscalculation. In this comedic Masters of the Universe short story, MOTU T-Rex vs Snake Men chaos erupts when Kobra Khan attempts to tame a wild dinosaur using the power of snack-based negotiation. Told from the exasperated perspective of his armored personal guard, Varnakk, “Beef Jerky Diplomacy: A Tactical Disaster in Three Roars” blends the mythic grit of MOTU 200X with Saturday-morning absurdity. What follows is a sprint for survival, a lesson in prehistoric etiquette, and one very loud “I told you not to do that!”

The Savage Wastes of Eternia

I should’ve stayed in the temple.

It was clean. Quiet. Full of sacred scrolls. Not… this—running for my life down a gravel trail with a dinosaur the size of a siege engine trying to devour us like overcooked grubs at a royal banquet.

The First Roar – Jerky Gone Wrong

And why? Why, you ask?

Because Prince Genius up ahead—yes, Kobra Khan, the so-called “visionary”—decided to offer teriyaki beef jerky to a thunder-lizard known throughout the Savage Wastes as Grizzlemaw the Unforgiving.

“I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!!” I yelled, lungs burning, armor clanking like a war drum.

“I THOUGHT HE’D LIKE IT!!” Khan shouted over his shoulder, absolutely missing the twenty-ton beast of rage and teeth closing the distance behind us.

“He’s a CARNIVORE, not a CAMPER!”

I did not sign up for this. Once trained with the Coilmasters, I earned my scales in the Battle of Vine Jungle. Now I carry a ceremonial trident, enchanted greaves, and a very sensitive stomach when anxious.

So here I am—sprinting for my life, hunted by a prehistoric nightmare, all because His Royal Slinkiness thought a snack would tame a creature that eats steel-plated land sharks for breakfast. Now I’m dodging death from a scaly rage beast with a peanut-sized brain and a mouth full of murder.

“He’s going to LOVE this,” Khan had said, all smiles and fangy charm.

“He’s going to love EATING us,” I had replied.

Guess who was right?

The Second Roar – Teeth at Our Backs

CHOMP. The air behind me compressed as Grizzlemaw snapped his jaws—missed by inches. I tripped on a loose stone, caught myself with the trident, and screamed something I’m pretty sure wasn’t sacred.

“Khan, I swear by the Seven Serpent Kings—if we survive this, I’m updating my contract.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE A CONTRACT!” Khan yelled.

“EXACTLY!!”

The Third Roar – Survival or Snack?

We burst through the trees, barely ahead of the beast. I’d never run so hard, not even when the Horde invaded the salt caverns.